The Caveats of my Forgiveness

I’ve been through a lot in my few years. Heartache. Healing. Growth. Part of me is astounded to think back on my life — my approach to life — even just a few years ago and realize how much I’ve changed. Mostly I’m terrified because I know that there’s so much more where that all came from. I’m nowhere near finished becoming figuring out the me I want to be…

But every now and then a memory from a younger version of me will surface within the context of all that the present me knows, and it can be quite liberating. 

For example, usually I feel pretty guilty if I can’t bring myself to forgive someone for causing me pain. Pragmatically, I’ll say that’s because I know holding a grudge will only serve to embitter my heart, not only towards that person, but towards myself and others as well. Realistically, I know it’s because I have tended to be a doormat.

Well, tonight a flashback of an emotionally raw moment that tore me to shreds and signaled the end to one of my most cherished relationships came roaring unbidden into the forefront of my mind, delivering an unexpected, albeit inspired thought: I don’t need to forgive that person.

Ever since that incident, I have poured my energy into 2 things: moving on and forgiving something they said that was simply false and hurtful.

Where the first part is a struggle, the second has felt impossible. And tonight I realized why: They never apologized. Not just that, they adamantly refused to apologize.

I believe in forgiveness; I believe it has the power to heal. I also have learned it’s a choice. Now, the new me is coming to realize that sometimes it’s ok to choose to not forgive. Sometimes the pain is too great, the betrayal so breathtaking, it requires your all just to move on.

And that’s fine because eventually, moving on brings healing in its own right.

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4 comments

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