Earlier this morning I stubbed my toe. I stubbed my BROKEN toe. I’m not exaggerating when I say it was the most physical pain I’ve ever experienced. But after collapsing on my closet floor and sobbing for a good 5 minutes, feeling alone and helpless, with not a soul around but my dog to help me (thank God for doggy kisses though, bc they really did help at that moment), something kind of amazing happened.
As I sat there wallowing in my despair, slowly becoming aware of a very sloppy, wet tongue caressing my tear-stained cheeks, I realized the pain shooting from my foot was turning to numbness. It was like my brain finally registered that it was time to think, not to feel.
I made a plan, thought it through and resolved to do it. I had to. I couldn’t stay on the floor all day; eventually it would just be pathetic self pity that would keep me there, and that’s never been my style. Sure, I can bitch and moan like the best of them, but one thing I’ve always liked about myself is that if I’m the one in my own way, I prefer to make a conscious effort to change that.
So I changed my situation. I stood up, went straight for my sports tape and wrapped up my toe. Of course I had very little idea of what to do; the only reason I have the supplies is bc I usually have to tape up my knee for volleyball. But I gave logic a chance again (which is a big deal for someone as emo as me), and I stabilized my toe.
To make a short story long, in the end, I succeeded, all by myself. I turned a most painful moment into a personal victory of empowerment. And I realized something: sometimes numbness is a good thing. Sometimes you need to stop feeling, just long enough to make a plan and take action. If that’s not a metaphor for my broken heart, then I don’t know what is.