People often commend me on my work ethic. In fact, I have to agree that it’s one of the things that most “sets me apart from the competition.” I HATE leaving tasks undone, and I’ll often slave away with the industrial conviction of a worker ant rather than leave something incomplete or “sub-par.”
Wait a minute, shouldn’t that be “above par”?
Anyway, as much as my determination to get work done can temporarily drive my life with a seemingly alien sense of dedication (think about it), there resides in me simultaneously a purely unadulterated desire to procrastinate whenever, however and wherever possible. I know, I’m a world of polarizing extremes.
It’s this very conundrum that brings me to where I am in this exact moment: sitting on a couch in a coffee shop in Adams Morgan, having just finished an hour and a half of work that I wasn’t able to complete during normal hours today. And I really didn’t have to. I’m sure, given my situation, most people wouldn’t have: I only have 6 working days left at this job. I had to give up 2.5 hours of my vacation time today because I suffered a migraine this morning (the bane of my existence), which means I will not receive that pay in my final compensation. I’m missing South Park to complete the literally mind-numbing task of sifting through dozens of resumes.
So, I’m sure you see my point. I’m a procrastinating overachiever.
Which got me to thinking: I’ve adopted the same work mentality/process ever since high school. I wait until the last minute to do something, then run myself to the ground to get it done. Healthiness debate set aside, I have an undeniably fabulous track record of success with this method, and I don’t intend for it to change any time soon. I’m comfortable with chaos. I thrive under pressure. If there’s not enough, I’ll create it myself. And here’s how:
Top 15 Reasons I’m Not Doing What I’m Supposed to be Doing
- I’m hungry. Let’s face it, productivity is just a foreign concept on an empty stomach.
- I’m tired. I sleep anytime, anywhere. This means that I absolutely WILL fall asleep while sitting, standing, holding a child, riding a boat, etc. All of these have happened. Best to just let me take a quick 3 hour nap and get it over with.
- I’m bored. Don’t confuse work that needs to be done with a cure for boredom. Mom used to make that mistake with me all the time, and the results were never in her favor.
- I have to catch up on that show. I love TV, and I watch it a lot. I hate hearing my friends discussing the latest episode of a show we all enjoy (you better believe I’ll be watching the newest South Park ASAP; I hear Cartman is the 1%? Can’t wait.) and not knowing what the heck they’re talking about.
- I have to walk my dog. Yeah, I’m not always the best owner, but if comes to this or doing some work, chances are my dog is about to get the best walk of her life. Or at least the next two hours of it.
- This book is really intense right now. As much as I love TV, I also love reading. Mostly, I prefer anything other than self-help books, but I’ll read those too if it means not doing this work.
- It’s time to play Tetris. Or Scrabble. Or any other game at which I rule. Pretty self-explanatory, I’d say. And Jenna, we failed at our epic Tetris goal. This is a major problem that I intend to correct some day, some how.
- My mom is coming to visit. Cleaning time.
- It’s time for happy hour. Duh.
- It’s time for brunch. Because who doesn’t bottomless mimosas and French toast? If you answered “me,” then please refrain from ever associating with me again, thanks.
- It’s a great day to be outside. Let’s go for a hike! Guaranteed to eat at least 3 hours of my day.
- It’s a great day to go see a movie. Also guaranteed to eat at least 3 hours of my day, or night.
- I’m busy texting. I can’t multitask when it comes to texting. I particularly enjoy carrying on at least 5 texting conversations at once, just to get them out of the way. (Sarcasm?)
- I’m redesigning my blog. I have a short attention span.
- I’m day dreaming. I have a short attention span AND I’m a dreamer. What a combo.